I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
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If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her