I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
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My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Taking phone security to the next level.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.