I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
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This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
need a new bf mines broken 😐
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.