STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
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eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Name another movie that mislead you?
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”