Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
You Might Also Like
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
good let them take over I have had enough
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.