1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
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My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
my favorite genre of twitter
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play