I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
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Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
The biggest mystery of our time
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Wake me when AI does housework
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok