Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
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Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
This is my brand.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Bloody internet 😳
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.