Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
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Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
work smarter, not harder
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
*bites zombie*
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.