2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
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I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Okey dokey.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.