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girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation