Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
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Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
Livid.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra