The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
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Made a playlist for your weekend hike
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.