No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
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I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu