Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
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“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids