This is amazing.
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FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”