Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
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One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
I gave up going to work for lent.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*