dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
You Might Also Like
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Haha good job!!
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.