[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
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A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.