[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
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I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*