If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
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my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles