Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
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The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??