Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
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If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Happy Halloween 🎃
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Someone just threatened to call me later
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.