Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
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Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
I never needed anything more in my life
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
meow
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Imma just leave this here…………
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school