At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
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Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
📽️movie date🎞️
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
Cats are still liquid.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom