My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
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Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground