Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
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A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.