[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
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If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*