Me, after a minor inconvenience:
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[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
*mops up wine with cat*
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.