Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
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can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa