Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
You Might Also Like
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
*weighs self after shaving
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂