*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
You Might Also Like
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!