The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
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Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario