*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
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*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
canadian assassins are called killergrams
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
FRED: right
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Great game to play with friends
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”