You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
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I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.