I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
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Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Cardio Made Easy
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Merry Christmas
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.