Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
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A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom