Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
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My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.