ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
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ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*