I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
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It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.