Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
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50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
President The Rock Obama
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.