The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
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Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.