I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
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In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
A roof is a house hat.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”