I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
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Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.