The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
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Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.