Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
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Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
They grow up so quick
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Why is this me 😫
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
worst…sale…ever
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.