piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
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No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
this is how life feels
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form