Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
You Might Also Like
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that鈥檚 not what i鈥檇 expect
me: yah that鈥檚 the idea
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
My Guy
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It鈥檚 our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
choose your gary
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
No, I鈥檓 not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I鈥檓 knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable馃檮
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here鈥檚 another one.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”