the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
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[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines