In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
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[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.